Friday, October 4, 2013

"Bikram" is slang for "Dear God make it stop"


So this actually happened back in March of 2012, but it recently popped up on Facebook and I got some super fun and positive feedback on it. My friend is insistent I share it with the [tiny*] masses, so I've tweaked it a bit and uploaded it here for your viewing pleasure (or disdain, if you're into that). Enjoy! :) 

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I hate a lot of things in the world… Things like tomatoes, terrorists, and the neverending Northern VA traffic. My newest nemesis in life? Bikram yoga. It’s not even that I just hate bikram yoga: my one night experiencing it was painful. I’m a firm believer that I should try something before I pass judgment. This is my saga.

I’ll start at the beginning. First I had to swing by my local watering hole (the closest Sunoco) and buy 2 liters of water and get cash (the yoga place isn't into plastic and they advocate hydration). I walked in with my head down hoping to avoid the gaze of anyone so they wouldn’t judge my make-up free face, grabbed my waters, and hopped in line behind this perfectly toned girl in leggings and a tunic top. The cashier rung up her items, handed her the change, and stared at her posterior as she sauntered away. I walked up and he wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Inside I was screaming “Hey! I’m prettier than my thumb-holed hoodie and saggy gym shorts suggest!!” but outside I was all “Thanks! Have a good one!”, grabbed my bottles and ran for my car.

So the studio. It’s small. It’s roughly the size of my townhouse from front to back but without walls. It looked like it should comfortably fit ~30 people. There were 50-60. It was also 105 degrees Fahrenheit, with 40% humidity. These are facts here, I’m not just making this crap up- that’s straight off the website. I sat down on my yoga mat with my not-quite-shaven legs and prayed that the heat wouldn’t start a brush fire on my own personal trees. People around me laid on their mats, stretched into positions I’ve never seen before, or sat doing as I did, staring with a hint of fear behind their eyes.

The instructor was this spry man who apparently loved his shorty short spandex shorts. Did he demonstrate the moves? Nope. He walked around, barking out things like “left leg tight right leg relaxed chin out hands together thumbs crossed.” In fact, just for funsies, during the “dead body” pose, he started singing “Country Road.” I kid you not. I snickered when he first started because I thought he was just joking. But no, oh no, he kept it going. As he warbled “mountain mama”, I laid there wishing that the “dead body” wasn’t just a pose but a state of being for me. I laid there for what seemed like eternity with sweat coming out of pores I didn’t know I had.

Did you know that the fronts of your calves could sweat? And that it was possible even when you were stationary? Yeah, me neither. But they did. The guy in front of me to my right contorted himself as rivers of salty exertion careened down his gym shorts. The guy next to him almost fell as his foot slid from the pools of “yogis” around him. I think my eyes were even sweating. My ultimate goal of the night was to stay in the room, and believe me, even that was a challenge. I laid down on the mat at one point, hoping the heat wouldn’t be as bad (given that heat supposedly rises… Or so “they” say!), and down there were smells I’m not used to nor do I want to become accustomed to. I turned to my friend who had suggested we do this and mouthed the words "I hate you and we're not friends anymore."

The air in the studio reeked of persistence and soup. The breathing techniques demonstrated sounded like something from of the exorcist. In fact, after “natural” sit-ups, I legitimately thought people had indeed died in their “dead body” pose since they exhaled greatly and propelled their bodies up with an exhalation of air that suggested resurrection. It was eerie and sounded marginally demonic.

So, for the sake of my soul, I can never go to bikram yoga again.

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So that's it! Anyone else ever had a terrifying experience with some kind of class? :) 

<3
A Redhead

*Note: Not to say that the mass of followers is literally tiny; you are fierce and wonderful! I just mean the number of you is tiny. Like 5. Solidarity, fat kids! =P

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Life, death, and the tacos inbetween

Oh friends! It's been faaaaar too long! Just over a month, ey? Let me fill you in with a smidge of what's been going on in the redhead's world....

1. I GOT MARRIED!! I know, right?! How crazy!! For some suh-weeet pictures by my friend James, check out his blog here and here. Yep, that second post is all me. Weird. The self-conscious side of me is like "AAAHHHHHHH NO PICTURES OF JUST MEEE!", but the newer body positive side of me is all "HAY GIRRRRRL". Marriage is basically my favorite thing ever (I know, it's only been 2 weeks), and we are totally the gross newlyweds that are mushy gushy. No shame in our game.


2. My uncle sadly and unexpectedly passed away. =\ I know, right? Massive downer, especially considering it being 3 days before my wedding. It was basically a hellish time for my family, and there's sadly still a lot going on with this. =\

3. We bought a house! Yep. We closed on the house September 10th, a whole 4 days before the wedding, and moved my stuff in that night and have been trying to unpack ever since.

4. Sadly I haven't been to the gym in a solid 3 weeks. To be fair, hubbins (heh, told you we're gross!) and I were swimming a ton in the pool, and walked EVERYWHERE. SO. MUCH. WALKING.

So naturally in the last month especially there's been a liiittttllle bit of stress in my life. Just a little. I don't know about you, but this girl is an emotional eater like no other. My uncle's in the hospital in a medically-induced coma? I need some ice cream. My house isn't closing on the date expected? I need some nachos up in hurr. Wedding planning? Brownies, stat, pronto.


That's a pretty accurate portrayal of me. We got back from our humid honeymoon 9 days ago, and the first few days was a lot of eating out, bringing stuff home, shopping, returning, unpacking... It was a whirlwind. This weekend I was all "PRODUCTIVITY! YOU WILL BE MINE!".

Then I sat on the couch. 

Watching Big Bang Theory.

For 2 days. 

In my defense we did go to church, go to a picnic, go swing dancing... There was some social activity. But loooots of sitting. I think I'm finally coming off the stress high I've been on for over 6 months, and sleep is attempting to play catch up.

This week I've been dying to get back to the gym, aaaand the Redhead can't find her gym bag. This wouldn't be a problem except my running shoes are in there. I have no others. I'm stuck. Fail. I need to get moving. I've been trying to make better decisions, but cake.

But. Cake.

There's so much [wedding] cake in my house that I'm starting to sweat cream cheese frosting.

Hopefully this weekend I'll find my gym shoes and actually get my butt moving. Literally. In the meantime, stare at these ridiculously cute pictures of me and Hubbins. =)

Reading a letter from him pre-wedding. =) 

Sooo chicken nuggets appeared from somewhere right before we did our bridal party pics.
I ate 1/2 of one and started laughing, hence the goofy face. 

Wobble baby wobble baby...
I had to back my thing up. We were doing the wobble!
Best day of my life so far. Marriage is amazing. I highly recommend it for anyone interested. =)

<3
A Redhead