Tuesday, December 31, 2013

2014

I was trying to think of a witty title for this post, and I bounced between spoofing Strong Bad....

(I probably would've gone with "The New Year, The New Year, what what The New Year")

Or rephrasing Salt 'N Pepa.

"What a year what a year what a year what a mighty good year"

I'm such a 90's kid, I can't even function.

It's New Year's Eve, friends! How do you feel about your year? Did you forget all of your resolutions from last year? Are you a miracle worker who managed to accomplish any/all of them? Personally, I've held the same resolution every year since college:

Don't make resolutions. 

Boom. Done. I'm pretty awesome at not making resolutions.

They're so stressful! Why do we do this to ourselves?! "I have to lose 50 lbs this year!" "I have to read 20 new books this year!" "I have to travel to 3 different countries!".

You know what? Life happens. And it's not because you set "resolutions" for yourself on December 31st the last year. I love to read, but with wedding planning and house buying, there was no way I could pick up a spare book this year. I don't think I've read for fun in months. I did get to go to 1 country, but it was Mexico which is like America's next door neighbor (no disrespect meant in any way; Te quiero, Mexico).

I didn't lose 50 lbs, but I lost 17 inches. I learned this year that measuring will always and forever be a better way to measure my size.

I also learned this year though, that my size is not indicative of my worth. 

My worth comes from me. It comes from who I am. It comes from me being a good person, loving God, loving other people. My beauty has nothing to do with my pants size (which is a whole other issue: vanity sizing. ridiculous.), and everything to do with my confidence.

So this year, don't set resolutions. You'll feel a lot less stressed. Don't get me wrong, set some goals. But don't feel like a failure if you don't accomplish them in 2014. I have a goal of going to Europe, but it may not happen in 2014. I have goals of paying off all of our debt, and we paid off 2 credit cards this year. It's all about progress. =)

Any goals for your life, friends? Travel? Babies? Money-making schemes? ;) 

<3
A Redhead

BONUS!
Here's the quick rundown of the craziness that was 2013:

+ Dream realized of seeing Five Iron Frenzy. YESSS!!
+ Dream realized of seeing Backstreet Boys live. Don't judge me. They were spectacular.
+ Bought. A. Freaking. House.
+ GOT MARRIED. WOOO!!
+ Got some serious height at a trampoline place for my birthday
+ Went to Mount Vernon for the first time since I was a kid (it was a faboo double date!).
+ Celebrated our first Christmas as husband and wife.
+ Went on a dinner cruise on the Potomac for our anniversary
+ Traveled the lands to upstate New York, Pennsylvania, Indiana, Maryland.
+ Went to 3 weddings in 1 month, including being a bridesmaid in 1.
+ Flew first class for the first time ever (it was just a short ~1 hour long flight to Miami. Totally worth it.)
+ Started dabbling in Filipino cooking
+ Hung out in Mexico for week
+ Swam in underground rivers
+ Hugged a dolphin
+ Was later peed on by said dolphin
+ Paid off 2 credit cards
+ Attended yet another annual pillow fight in DC
+ Flew a kite like a boss on the national mall
+ Saw friends out of state that I don't get to see normally
+ Got into weightlifting and lost 17 inches off this beast.
+ Join Gold's Gym. Oddly enough, love it.
+ Started this blog which has been a weird and amazing adventure so far. =)

2014, you have a lot to live up to.




Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Pictures don't have to be worth a thousand words

Let's jam for a second.


Mr. Gaffigan* has a point up there. How many of us walk around feeling like we're all that and a bag of chips (mmmm chips…), and we either see a picture of ourselves or see ourselves in the mirror and we're like "Gah! Who IS that?!"? I know I've had those days. Lots, and lots, and lots of those days.

Shoot, I felt that way about some of my wedding pictures. Terrible, right? Greatest day of my life to date, I received tons of compliments and felt like a mermaid princess the day of, and I see certain pictures and my illusion was shattered.

It had absolutely nothing to do with my photographer, but with my own perception of myself.

It makes me wonder which matters more: how I actually look, or how I think I look. Does one matter more than the other? A friend of mine and I were talking about this article, as the author so eloquently states something so many women (and probably men!) can relate to:

"How is it possible that a double chin can overpower the beauty of a mother cuddling her child? How does arm fat distract from the perfect shot of a spontaneous hug? I swear y’all . . . how is it that we can put more value on a TUMMY ROLL than the captivating way you throw yourself into a roar of laughter during a shoot?"

I can't count the amount of pictures that I found adorable because of a friend I was with, and terrible because of my 6,000 chins ruining it. But did my friend see it that way? No, they saw a wonderful memory of 2 goofballs.

Did my family or friends look at any particular wedding picture and think "Geez. Heifer"? Well, hopefully not. My husband couldn't stop smiling, my parents lauded the happiness expressed between 2 weirdos who found each other in this big crazy world, and my friends were all overjoyed for us.

But sadly, we do it to ourselves, and I wonder if it's a type of self-defense mechanism. Maybe if we address what we think other people are thinking about us, it'll get the "awkward turtle" out of the way and we can move on. No? Just me? OK. I know I do it. It's why I used to make fat jokes about myself in college. If I say what I think you're thinking, it makes it OK.

Why can't we just look at a picture for what it is, be it 2 friends, a husband and wife, a friend with a baby, and love it for what it is? Don't sit there and pick apart what you think is wrong with yourself in it. Just love the moment it captured. Love that you have a tangible memory.

Oh, also, if someone catches a picture of you stuffing your gob with a cookie or brownie as it's prone to happen this time of the year, let it happen. Enjoy that darn cookie/brownie/cake pop. Be gentle with yourself. Anyone that's judging you isn't a true friend, and anyone that is a true friend is glad you had a good time.

So, my challenge for you dear friends, is to find a picture of a moment that you don't like of yourself. Look at it again, but look past whatever you think is "wrong" with it. Remember how you felt when it was taken. THAT is the point of a picture. Not to make you feel bad about yourself, but to make you feel good about your life. 

xo
A Redhead

*Note: Jim Gaffigan is a hilarious comedian and author that I love love love. I read his book, and it's as awesome as his stand-up is. Also, Jim (if I may), you should give me a thousand bucks for this unsolicited endorsement. It's just a thought. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

He Likes Big Butts and He Cannot Lie!


Do I have any fellow big booty girls in the audience? Or I suppose big booty brothers? Maybe? Anywho. I've had a rather prodigious posterior for my entire life. I think part of it is that I've always been a fat kid, and part of it is probably genetics. Even when I lost weight in high school, it was still pretty hefty. In fact, I recall walking with a friend of mine and hearing 2 guys behind us talking. "Look at that fat a**", his friend said "where" and the other guy said "the one on the right".

I was, of course, the girl on the right.

It's a moment that's resonated within me for a long time. That happened in probably 2003 while I was a young 16 year old, and 10 years later it's still a moment that occasionally wraps me up in it's insecure and hateful arms.

It didn't help that a year or so later I was in a parking lot with friends, feeling cute in a spaghetti string tank top and jeans, and a complete stranger drove by and yelled "HEY FAT A***!". Frankly, people are just being unoriginal at that point. The same insult? C'mon. Get creative at least.

I can say that now after years of learning to love myself, but at the time they were crippling remarks. So for a long time I was insecure about backside. I still have those moments at times. Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. You try on any skirt or pair of jeans, and you do a quick spin to see how your toosh is looking. It's innate. We can't help it.

Several times I half-apologized to the Bearded Wonder for my bodacious badonkadonk, and you know what? He loves it. He absolutely, unabashedly, unapologetically loves every inch of me, including the oft-most hated part of me.

I'm not saying this to brag or to boast about my sweet husband (though really, I could do that for days). I'm saying this because positive reinforcement makes a BIG deal. I've heard for over a year and a half of nothing but love and positivity for my body. This has been combined with the crazy body positive moment that's been embellished by The Militant Baker, and my efforts at the gym since this past May.

For the first time last week in my entire 27 years, I caught a glimpse of my bum and actually thought "Well hey girrrrl".

Any moment for Howard Wolowitz is a perfect moment. 
You know what? I strutted a little that day. I walked tall. I took a moment to reflect on those rude jerks in high school who tried to bring me down, and I thought "Shove it, stink holes. I look good.".

To top it off? I'm still doing my squats. With every squat I do, I defy the terrible words. I show them that I'm better than their hate, and I love myself more than they could ever make me hate myself. Squat you, bros. Squat you.

So my challenge this week for you. Think of something you don't like (your thighs, hands, eyes, whatever), and make a point of admiring yourself this week. Yes, my husband has been giving me loving words for awhile now. But not all of the self-love came from him; a lot of it came from me and seeing myself differently than before. Every day, make a point to say "Hey girl. I like your calves". Or whatever it is you don't like. You have to think past any horrible crap someone has said, and love the hate out of yourself.

Love your body. It's the only one you get. Diet and exercise are great, but body love is more than that. You have to make a decision to accept yourself as you are. Need someone to love on you? I'm happy to gush over how fabulous you look. Just ask. =)

Have a wonderful week friends.

<3
A Redhead

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

I CHALLENGE YOU TO A SQUAT!

OK I know I just posted, buuut I found this on Fitocracy and it's inspired me to do it. It's a squat challenge. Make that booty pop! Twerk* what your mama gave you! Shake it like a salt shaker! Other silly motivational sayings!!

Join me? I've got 2 people who've already said they're going to do it. I'll be checking in on you all periodically, so don't think we're not watching.

Pretty sure stalking wouldn't be illegal if they all looked like this...
Now, since I just found it today, we're going to do day 1 Today, Wednesday the 4th. You can do this! Can you imagine how your toosh might look though after 31 days? I mean seriously.


Leave a comment if you wanna join the booty revolution. ;) 

<3
A Redhead

*Note: If you don't know what "twerking" is… bless you. Don't google it, don't look up "Miley Cyrus twerk", don't ask someone to demonstrate. Just live in your bubble, and be thankful you're in a happier place than the rest of us.

The McRib is… Broke. Or maybe just sore.

So Hubbins and I have joined a gym near our house.


I know I know… "It's a waste of money", "you have a free gym at work", "are you actually going to use it?!" blah blah blah. I know.

And I don't care. Neener neener!
Buuuut. 1) We got a stupid good deal on it and paid less than ½ of what we would have if the membership hadn't been through his job. 2) Paying for a year-long gym membership IS motivating, because I don't want to just watch our money disappear. 3) I honestly just hate going in the middle of the day at work.

So anywho. The gym we joined is faaantastic. It's shiny and pretty and has a pool and it brings all the happies to the yard. Or beefcakes to the weight room. Or fatties to the lifting area (like me! =D ).

As a pseudo-segue, have I told you guys how ridiculously skilled I am at hurting myself? No seriously. I managed to dislocate my knee in my sleep. In. My. Sleep. I truly am a master, and I don't even mean to be. That's how good I am.

So anyway, I managed to hurt my rib in quite the mysterious fashion on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I don't know how, I don't know what I did, all I know is I woke up with excruciating pain in my rib in a very localized spot. Then I'd move and it was gone. Then I'd move and it'd come back. In the last few days since, it's generally fine, but it still hurts depending on certain moves.

Naturally, I saw this as an excuse not to go to the gym. But I'm torn, right? I need to go to the gym. In some deep recess of my body, I want to go to the gym. Buuuut Rib. RIB! My little riblet! It's wounded! I can't go hurt it more!

Unfortunately my mom (albeit wonderful) is incredibly unsympathetic with her torn knee and need to walk half-marathons. Thanks for the support, WOMAN. (My mom's my bestie. I love her hard, don't let her convince you otherwise) She was all, "GO TO THE GYM. GO. YOU'RE ALREADY THERE. JUST GO.", and I was all "I CAN BE HERE ANYTIME I WANT! I LIVE A MILE AND A HALF DOWN THE ROAD!". Sadly, moms know best (even when you're old and married) and I went inside.

I skipped on Monday, but after my pseudo argument and fake whining with my mom, I dragged myself and my wounded Ribbie inside the gym. I did the treadmill for a brisk 22-ish minutes and felt pretty good with that. Tonight I'm going to try to go again after I pick up a prescription, and do some leg workouts. Word around the mama is that leg stuff shouldn't hurt Riblet more, but who knows. Mom may be preparing me for my doom and I don't even know.

Wish me luck tonight friends, as Ribbles and I attempt the gym even though I want to whine and lay on the couch drinking chai and staring at our Christmas tree. (Yeah that's up, it's been up since Saturday)

How are you all doing? Meet any new goals lately?? Fall off the wagon? 
Mysteriously hurt your body in the middle of the night?

<3
A Redhead

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Sometimes I throw things.

I ran into the house and threw my arms around my bear of a husband, "15 minutes!" I panted, "I have 15 minutes to get ready!". I kissed him on the mouth, threw my purse down on the counter and my coat on the couch, and ran up 2 flights of stairs to our bedroom. I stood in front of a row of dresses trying to catch my breath and lamented that I hadn't shaved my legs in a socially acceptable amount of time. "Tights…" I muttered. What was I going to wear with tights? Do I even know where my tights are? Trying to think quickly, I grabbed my bin of socks (and occasional hosiery) off the shelf and sorted through quickly trying to find those elusive black hose.

Getting frustrated that I still had yet to be dressed, and that 5 precious minutes had passed, I tried on outfit after outfit- hating each more than the last. This one's too tight. This one's too short. It's too cold for this one. This one's too big. All of them were wrong in some way, and by now 9 minutes had passed, and it looked like a post-black Friday shopping session had taken place in my closet. I finally settled on a dress that I'd worn for our first date; it seemed fitting for dinner at a new restaurant, and I could throw on a cardigan [and tights]. I quickly went to put on my trusty black tights, and… they didn't fit. Maybe my thighs had doubled in size since last Winter. Maybe they had shrunk in the wash. Let's be honest, maybe they'd just gathered weirdly since I was rushing to put them on. Whatever it is, they had failed me and I sat on our bed feeling defeated. I ran back into the closet, grabbed the hosiery bin and dumped it onto our bed. I found another pair of thin leggings that would work, but when I put them on I felt that my curvy legs looked too shiny with the material- that I looked like I walked on 2 curvaceous sausages.

My sweet husband smiled as I walked around moaning that my legs were "too shiny!". 14 minutes. I flopped on our bed and felt terrible. I hated all of my clothing, I hated my body, I hated my "shiny" legs… Everything which would normally be a not big deal WAS a big deal, and it was devastating me in such an annoying way. The Bearded Wonder wrapped his arms around me and said everything he knows to be true: "You look amazing. You're so beautiful. I love you so much.". But when you're an irrationally emotional woman, these words (while so heartfelt and wonderful to hear) just bounce off your lustrous legs and fall onto the floor.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

So. That was my Friday night. I'd had a perfectly fine day, and in a matter of ~15-20 minutes I'd completely bottomed out and was hating my body. How did that happen? Was it because I get really stressed out when I'm feeling rushed? Was it because I needed to do laundry, or shave my legs? What is it that makes a woman go from feeling pretty fine and dandy to plummeting to the belly of the beast? Hubbins was giggling at me running spastically around our room, and I told him that tomorrow I would find this hilarious, but today I wanted to hide under our blankets and not come out.

No, Jess, I wasn't!
Anyway. Today is Wednesday and it's the day before it's socially acceptable to wear sweatpants to a meal (you know, so you have eatin' room. har har.), and I'm muuuuch better. I still haven't figured out what the problem was, but I think this was more of a post to garner some solidarity. Sometimes you hate your body and your clothes, but it's ok. It happens. It's normal. If you have ovaries, it probably happens weekly! So breathe deep through the disdain you find radiating off your shiny legs (ahem), and remember that tomorrow will be better. Pinky swear.

If you do Thanksgiving, enjoy your foods! If you do Black Friday, throw an elbow! My friend and I are doing our annual black friday tradition (which we totally have down to a science), and plan on walking into Target like so:


You can't handle our Black Friday swagger. Or something.

Any Thanksgiving plans, friends? Do you do Black Friday? Do you have a plan of attack?

<3
A Redhead

Monday, November 18, 2013

Treat Yo' Self


Today is a Monday, which generally speaking tends to bring groans and moans. However, today, I want you to treat yourself.

A friend of mine e-mailed me this morning and said "I feel fat and gross today! Blech!", and I 100% get it. I agonized for an embarrassingly long time (read: 20 freaking minutes) about what to wear to the gym because I felt like a fat face in everything I put on.

I agonized over what to wear to the gym. THE. GYM. I ended up putting on a baggy shirt, then deciding it was too baggy and I looked like a bag lady (see what I did there? Eh? Eh? Shut up it's early.). In my mind, I couldn't win in what to wear to go get sweaty in. How lame, right?

Somedays we just hate how we look. If you're a woman, it's probably an innate feeling that you have a hard time shaking. If you're a man, you probably still have days like that. I'm sorry for all of us for those days when we feel fat and gross and want to wear a trash bag to the gym.

So. On this day November 18th in the year of our Lord two-thousand and thirteen, I give you full permission to love the crap outta yourself and not worry about the "bad" stuff. Get a little vain about stuff.

Do you have enviable eyebrows? TREAT YO' SELF.
Do you have legs for days? TREAT YO' SELF.
Do you have shiny hair that's adorable from a new haircut? TREAT YO' SELF.
Are you a nice person? TREAT YO' SELF.

Even in my darkest days of depression, I knew that I liked my eyes and my hair. So today if I were in a situation where was I was hating myself and feeling blobby, I would focus on my eyes and my hair. Get specific about complimenting yourself. Go all Ryan Gosling on yourself if you need to. "Hey girl, your eyes reflect your shirt beautifully".

Ryan Gosling just gets us, I swear. 
So friends. Go love yourself. It's Monday, but you're still a spectacular person- even if you feel blobby. I promise you don't smell, and I promise you're lookin' like a fox. =)

Here are some obscenely encouraging/uplifting videos to make you feel good about your day. Also, "Phat Miley" is my ridiculously talented friend Liz who inspires me on a regular basis. True story. Go check out her Etsy shop to buy some LOVE stuff.

This chick literally rips the words "Fat" and "Cellulite" off her body as she dances to an empowering song. Holla. 

Yeah that's right, she made a fake album cover for the video screen still. She's the boss. 


Beautiful model with some beautiful words to say. 

There's a smidge of language. Wear headphones if you're at work or around small children. 

Enjoy your Monday treating yourself. Love you kids. Love yourselves.

<3
A Redhead

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Fifty Shades of Awesome

This marks my 50th post friends! Woop Woop!!


Yaaayyyyy!! I have a few other posts drafted in my box right now, but I decided that my 50th would be dedicated to being overly happy with yourself. Why?

Because on Twitter there was a terrible trend going around with hating on men and women of above-average size. I'm being vague with the actual phrasing since I don't want to promote their hate tag and show up in their analytics. Especially after I just read that the originator of said "movement" called it a raging success.

Yeah, no thanks.

The body positive movement has been picking up steam the last few years. Amazing men and women are stepping up and saying "Hey, let's love the fat kids. You're beautiful as you are.". Don't get me wrong, you need to be healthy. Your health comes first. But I'm a fat kid and healthy as a [non-punny] horse. If you've got the diabeetus, blood pressure through the roof, and you haven't seen the outside world in awhile, you ARE still beautiful and valued and treasured by many, buuuut you should probably see a doctor.

Wilford Brimley and the matching cat! How great! 
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to skinny shame people and tell someone they're painfully skinny and need a cheeseburger. Every. Body. Is. Beautiful. Every person, every body shape, every size, is beautiful. If someone tells you otherwise, tell them to shove it. Because you're amazing, and those people don't deserve to tell you otherwise.

Ready for some knowledge? Ahem <clears throat obnoxiously>, Eleanor Roosevelt once said "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent" (thank you, Princess Diaries). But seriously? Why give that power to total strangers? I mean it's a power you shouldn't give to people in general, but strangers? On the internet?? C'maaahhhhnn.

You're better than that. You're worth more than that.


I know it's hard. You guys know that I know it's hard. But it's possible. Get your health in order, make sure everything's working fine and that you're not in any kind of danger (because seriously, diabeetus), and just love on yourself. Look in the mirror and say how amazing you are. Say it with me, "I am amazing!". Say it again if you didn't before. Solidarity!

Confession time: yesterday I wore a semi-trendy outfit. Not something I normally do; I tend to dress in no particular trend, but yesterday there were 2 on my person, and darnit, I felt GOOD. I sashayed in my closet a little. My co-worker kept making eyes at me (she's a close friend, we're both married, it's all in good fun =P), my toosh looked good in my jeans, and darnit I felt good.

You can't change what people say. You can't make people stop saying hateful things because your body offends them. But you know what? You can change how you react. My body offends you? Ok? So? My husband loves it, I'm pretty good with it most of the time, why do I care what you think? Don't give people power over YOUR self to make YOU feel bad about YOUR body. You are amazing. They're mean-spirited and ig'nant.

I'm not one to quote Kathy Griffith, buuuuut…



You guys know [pre-wedding] I was working out and working on my diet. But that was never because I disliked myself. I think I'm pretty awesome these days, but that's a mentality that's taken years and millions of tears to get to. (Read the full thing here if you don't believe me!) I want to make sure I can keep up with my kids (whenever we start popping 'em out, that is). I don't want the diabeetus (sorry Wilford). I want to be around for a loooong time, and I don't want to pay extensive medical bills to make that happens.

So. You are valued. You are beautiful. You are amazing. Fat, thin, somewhere in the middle, all of it. If marriage is your thing, there's someone out there looking for someone like you. If not, then go on with your bad self and strut yo' stuff!

So nice I said it twice. 


<3
A Redhead

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

What's Your Excuse?

I can't find my sneakers.

It's too hot out.

My clothes are all dirty.

Where's my gym bag?

I can't find my sports bra.

(grumble grumble grumble)

So what's your excuse for not working out? The top [lame] excuse has been mine the last few weeks. Since we moved into our house, I literally cannot find my sneakers. I thought they were in my gym bag, which I also couldn't find, but once my husband (hehe) found the bag, I discovered there were still no gym sneakers.


I've been living a blissful yet slightly fearful state for the last month-ish because I haven't weighed or measured myself since before the wedding. I also haven't worked out since before the wedding. You understand my fear now, right?

That's right, I resort to candy too.
But the time is nigh. Last night Hubbins and I went to a running store and we each got fitted for fancy new sneakers. The girls were both super helpful: they had us stand on this fancy little machine where they checked our arches, then had us walk on a treadmill to see how our gait is. Hubbins has incredibly flat feet, for anyone that was wondering, and I have a regular ole' arch. He seemed pretty excited though as he darted around the store in the bright blue kicks. He dashed between clothing racks, hopped up and down, breakdanced... Yep. This is all real life.


So we have fancy new shoes, I have no excuses, and yet I still find myself here with no gym bag. I honestly just forgot. I've gotten out of the habit of going to the gym, which is really sad considering how much I was going before. It's a crappy excuse, but they all are, aren't they? Tomorrow! I will be sweating tomorrow. Tonight I will pack my gym bag and throw it in front of our bedroom door so I will be forced to grab it on my way out.

Keep me accountable, will ya? :)

So. What's your excuse??

<3
A Redhead

Friday, October 11, 2013

You may be a fat kid if...

*UPDATED!* (at the bottom) (because that's how I roll) (also people posted hilarious things on FB.)

 - You hear *plink plink plink* from across the room  and assume they're M&Ms hitting the ceramic bowl. Your heart rate quickens.




 - You scoff at someone who claims they don't remember what a Cinnabon tastes like. YOU fantasize about that cinnamon-y confection anytime you're within 5 miles of a shopping mall.



 - You don't count your super sweet coffee in your daily sugar allotment. Because it's coffee.

Oh, yeah, uh-huh. NO.

 - You can't find anything to satisfy "the spot", so you eat something healthier and feel sad inside.


 - You eat a second dinner because you got hungry talking about food. 


 - The waiter comes by asking if you want more bread and you give them a look often confused for a deranged psychopath.



 - You wait until that guy in the office with the candy bowl goes to the bathroom so you can attack the candy with gusto and he doesn't know it was you.

Oh yeah. It was me. 
What makes you a fat kid, friends?? I'm not saying these are all about me (though the 1st certainly prompted this post!), but c'mon. We've all been there. Feel free to post anonymously. =) 

<3
A Redhead

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Cooking for 2-ish

Hey err'body!

Hubbins and I have been making an effort to cook at home more. We both looove to eat out, but we've been working on our budget and eating out all the time just is not conducive to saving money. Sad but true. We're attempting meal planning and everything. This domesticity thing is weird.

I borrowed this from here. Because it's cute. :) 
Yesterday we made homemade sloppy joe's, and holy mother they were good. It was basically lean ground beef, ketchup, mustard, barbecue sauce (we were supposed to use vinegar and didn't have any), salt/pepper, green peppers, shallots, sugar. So. Darn. Good.

It's been fun though trying to find different recipes, especially ones that are easier to make and healthier. I bought a pre-marinated salmon filet the other day for under $7, and it'll probably have leftovers for the next couple days which we can use for lunches too. We're getting zucchini and squash to roast along with it. WE SHALL FEAST LIKE KINGS! And on a budget!! I am woman, hear me roar!

We've also realized that we probably shouldn't buy 8 bananas for the 2 of us. It's not like we eat bananas all day everyday. Plus I get 'em for free at work, so… I'll be making banana bread soon. That's basically the moral of the story here. Don't buy lots of bananas for 2 people. Marriage has been filled with weird little tidbits like that. I like it though. It's an adventure. =)

So far we've made…
Pesto grilled cheese sandwiches
Sloppy joe's and green beans
Chicken pot pie
Bowtie pasta with bacon and broccoli (with a side of alliteration)
BBQ Chicken pizza & caesar salad

We're also trying to make sure we eat veggies at every meal, and we bought some mangos that we sliced up and have been eating. Yuuuuuuum.

What are some of your favorite meals to make? I'll take anything: crockpot, healthy, vegetarian, meaty, preferably something that will make leftovers…. What say ye, fat kids?!

<3
A Redhead

Friday, October 4, 2013

"Bikram" is slang for "Dear God make it stop"


So this actually happened back in March of 2012, but it recently popped up on Facebook and I got some super fun and positive feedback on it. My friend is insistent I share it with the [tiny*] masses, so I've tweaked it a bit and uploaded it here for your viewing pleasure (or disdain, if you're into that). Enjoy! :) 

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I hate a lot of things in the world… Things like tomatoes, terrorists, and the neverending Northern VA traffic. My newest nemesis in life? Bikram yoga. It’s not even that I just hate bikram yoga: my one night experiencing it was painful. I’m a firm believer that I should try something before I pass judgment. This is my saga.

I’ll start at the beginning. First I had to swing by my local watering hole (the closest Sunoco) and buy 2 liters of water and get cash (the yoga place isn't into plastic and they advocate hydration). I walked in with my head down hoping to avoid the gaze of anyone so they wouldn’t judge my make-up free face, grabbed my waters, and hopped in line behind this perfectly toned girl in leggings and a tunic top. The cashier rung up her items, handed her the change, and stared at her posterior as she sauntered away. I walked up and he wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Inside I was screaming “Hey! I’m prettier than my thumb-holed hoodie and saggy gym shorts suggest!!” but outside I was all “Thanks! Have a good one!”, grabbed my bottles and ran for my car.

So the studio. It’s small. It’s roughly the size of my townhouse from front to back but without walls. It looked like it should comfortably fit ~30 people. There were 50-60. It was also 105 degrees Fahrenheit, with 40% humidity. These are facts here, I’m not just making this crap up- that’s straight off the website. I sat down on my yoga mat with my not-quite-shaven legs and prayed that the heat wouldn’t start a brush fire on my own personal trees. People around me laid on their mats, stretched into positions I’ve never seen before, or sat doing as I did, staring with a hint of fear behind their eyes.

The instructor was this spry man who apparently loved his shorty short spandex shorts. Did he demonstrate the moves? Nope. He walked around, barking out things like “left leg tight right leg relaxed chin out hands together thumbs crossed.” In fact, just for funsies, during the “dead body” pose, he started singing “Country Road.” I kid you not. I snickered when he first started because I thought he was just joking. But no, oh no, he kept it going. As he warbled “mountain mama”, I laid there wishing that the “dead body” wasn’t just a pose but a state of being for me. I laid there for what seemed like eternity with sweat coming out of pores I didn’t know I had.

Did you know that the fronts of your calves could sweat? And that it was possible even when you were stationary? Yeah, me neither. But they did. The guy in front of me to my right contorted himself as rivers of salty exertion careened down his gym shorts. The guy next to him almost fell as his foot slid from the pools of “yogis” around him. I think my eyes were even sweating. My ultimate goal of the night was to stay in the room, and believe me, even that was a challenge. I laid down on the mat at one point, hoping the heat wouldn’t be as bad (given that heat supposedly rises… Or so “they” say!), and down there were smells I’m not used to nor do I want to become accustomed to. I turned to my friend who had suggested we do this and mouthed the words "I hate you and we're not friends anymore."

The air in the studio reeked of persistence and soup. The breathing techniques demonstrated sounded like something from of the exorcist. In fact, after “natural” sit-ups, I legitimately thought people had indeed died in their “dead body” pose since they exhaled greatly and propelled their bodies up with an exhalation of air that suggested resurrection. It was eerie and sounded marginally demonic.

So, for the sake of my soul, I can never go to bikram yoga again.

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So that's it! Anyone else ever had a terrifying experience with some kind of class? :) 

<3
A Redhead

*Note: Not to say that the mass of followers is literally tiny; you are fierce and wonderful! I just mean the number of you is tiny. Like 5. Solidarity, fat kids! =P

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Life, death, and the tacos inbetween

Oh friends! It's been faaaaar too long! Just over a month, ey? Let me fill you in with a smidge of what's been going on in the redhead's world....

1. I GOT MARRIED!! I know, right?! How crazy!! For some suh-weeet pictures by my friend James, check out his blog here and here. Yep, that second post is all me. Weird. The self-conscious side of me is like "AAAHHHHHHH NO PICTURES OF JUST MEEE!", but the newer body positive side of me is all "HAY GIRRRRRL". Marriage is basically my favorite thing ever (I know, it's only been 2 weeks), and we are totally the gross newlyweds that are mushy gushy. No shame in our game.


2. My uncle sadly and unexpectedly passed away. =\ I know, right? Massive downer, especially considering it being 3 days before my wedding. It was basically a hellish time for my family, and there's sadly still a lot going on with this. =\

3. We bought a house! Yep. We closed on the house September 10th, a whole 4 days before the wedding, and moved my stuff in that night and have been trying to unpack ever since.

4. Sadly I haven't been to the gym in a solid 3 weeks. To be fair, hubbins (heh, told you we're gross!) and I were swimming a ton in the pool, and walked EVERYWHERE. SO. MUCH. WALKING.

So naturally in the last month especially there's been a liiittttllle bit of stress in my life. Just a little. I don't know about you, but this girl is an emotional eater like no other. My uncle's in the hospital in a medically-induced coma? I need some ice cream. My house isn't closing on the date expected? I need some nachos up in hurr. Wedding planning? Brownies, stat, pronto.


That's a pretty accurate portrayal of me. We got back from our humid honeymoon 9 days ago, and the first few days was a lot of eating out, bringing stuff home, shopping, returning, unpacking... It was a whirlwind. This weekend I was all "PRODUCTIVITY! YOU WILL BE MINE!".

Then I sat on the couch. 

Watching Big Bang Theory.

For 2 days. 

In my defense we did go to church, go to a picnic, go swing dancing... There was some social activity. But loooots of sitting. I think I'm finally coming off the stress high I've been on for over 6 months, and sleep is attempting to play catch up.

This week I've been dying to get back to the gym, aaaand the Redhead can't find her gym bag. This wouldn't be a problem except my running shoes are in there. I have no others. I'm stuck. Fail. I need to get moving. I've been trying to make better decisions, but cake.

But. Cake.

There's so much [wedding] cake in my house that I'm starting to sweat cream cheese frosting.

Hopefully this weekend I'll find my gym shoes and actually get my butt moving. Literally. In the meantime, stare at these ridiculously cute pictures of me and Hubbins. =)

Reading a letter from him pre-wedding. =) 

Sooo chicken nuggets appeared from somewhere right before we did our bridal party pics.
I ate 1/2 of one and started laughing, hence the goofy face. 

Wobble baby wobble baby...
I had to back my thing up. We were doing the wobble!
Best day of my life so far. Marriage is amazing. I highly recommend it for anyone interested. =)

<3
A Redhead

Monday, August 26, 2013

Expectations vs. Reality


Expectation: I've started working out and eating healthy so I'm going to instantly drop 100 lbs of water weight. Right? (I'm exaggerating here. ;) )
Reality: I've started working out and eating healthy so I will *hopefully* lose 1-2 lbs per week.

Expectation: I've been working out for 4 months and have seriously changed my eating habits. Even if I don't go to the gym every day I should still drop some serious inches! Rah!
Reality: I've been working out for 4 months and while my eating habits have seriously changed, that doesn't mean I get some "get out of jail free" card to sit on my butt. Don't go to the gym? Don't lose the inches.

Expectation: Goal weight in 6 months! Wooooo!!
Reality: Goal weight?? What about goal health? Goal waist size? Goal lift number? Screw the goal weight.

Often times my expectations are not very realistic. Case in point, all of the above. I assumed once I changed up my eating habits I would just instantly drop 5-10 lbs of water weight. That wasn't the case because I simultaneously started lifting when I started eating differently. Muscle takes up less space than fat, so my body composition has been changing, but I've only lost 6 lbs in the last 4 months.

I have, however, lost 16.5" since May 1st. So take THAT, unrealistic expectations. 

I had no idea when I started this journey that I'd be losing so many inches. I'd read stories, heard legends, blah blah blah. But I'd never measured myself, so I didn't have a first-hand appreciation of how gratifying it is to wrap a thin band tighter and tighter around a shrinking waist. My priorities have also changed since I started, because this time last year I'd have been devastated that I've only lost ~6 lbs in 4 months. If the average healthy amount to lose is 1-2 lbs per week, then naturally I'm "far behind" in my weight loss efforts.

Buuuut…. I've lost 16.5 inches between my neck, rib cage, waist, hips, thighs, and biceps. So yeah, I haven't lost a ton of actual fat (we're still working on it!), but my body composition is certainly changing.

Let me tell you, once you have the habit of going to the gym on a daily basis, for the love of all that's holy, DON'T STOP GOING TO THE GYM.

Repeat after me: DO. NOT. STOP. GOING. TO. THE. GYM. 

I haven't gone much in the last 2 weeks (maybe thrice?), and today I paid the piper. I can normally do 3 sets of 10 reps of overhead dumbbell presses, and today I had to grunt and strain and try crazy hard to do it. I normally do 40 lb tricep push-downs. Today I was doing 35 lb ones and feeling like a sissy girl. Even my 200 lb v-squat that I was so proud of? Today we did 180.

So while they're still good results, I definitely took a step back since I essentially took a week and a half off. =\

Anywho. That's about it for me. How's everyone else doing? How are your workouts and your food stuffs?

<3
A Redhead

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Of pizza and fudge [cake]

There comes a time in every girl's life when she has to make a choice.

1 slice or 2?

"It's margherita pizza, redhead. How bad can it really be?"

I stood in line at a local pizza place eyeing up their margherita pizza with it's circular discs of cheese, smattering of tomatoes, and dried basil leaves. "Yeah, how bad can it be?"

Sometimes in life you order 2 pieces. Sometimes those 2 pieces come out to you falling off of 2 paper plates. Sometimes you look and say "SWEET MERCY I'M ONLY EATING ONE OF THOSE!!".

Today was not a day to only eat one of those.

Well to be fair, it was, I just didn't bother to acknowledge that until I'd plowed my way through ½ of my second slice.

I can sit here and rationalize that I dabbed up a TON of oil, and it's thin crust, and blah blah blah, but bottom line…

There was also chocolate fudge cake



I know, right? I looked at the cake I'd said I'd split with my wonderful friend, and thought "Cripes, what have I gotten myself into?". One bite into it and I knew the cake would be the victor, not I. Not that I would polish it off, but that the fudgey confection would throw me to the ground and pummel me until I cried "NO MAS!!!". And you know what friends? That's exactly what happened. My friend and I polished off barely ½ of the monstrosity before I waved the white receipt in defeat.

The cake had won.

What didn't win was my self-control. I had said I'd only eat 1 piece of the pizza I ordered, and saved the rest for later.

Whoops.

I had said I was going to the gym today. But when I had to turn down my friend's offer for lunch tomorrow since I already have plans at lunch (not the gym sadly, wedding stuff. =\ ), I offered lunch today. She's a dear friend of mine at work, and between her PTO and my upcoming PTO for weddingry, this was likely our last chance to lunch for quite awhile.

Whoops.

Things have been nuts baaaasically 24/7 with wedding planning and house purchasing. Anyone who's done one of those things I'm sure understands, as you can't fathom doing anything else on top of one of those events, much less doing them both simultaneously.

I'm not saying I shouldn't be making better food choices. I'm not saying I shouldn't be doing some bodyweight exercises at my house. I'm definitely not saying that people much busier than I still find time to workout.

I am saying though that sometimes, darnit, it's really hard to care about being really good. Some days I just don't give a rip about making the better  choice. Now before you flog me, overall I'm trying to keep my eating in check if I'm not going to make it to the gym that day. Diet is such an important aspect of fitness, and I can't just neglect it just because I'm busy. We've been eating out a lot the last few weeks, but 98% of the time I'm making a concerted effort not to eat ½ (or more!) of my meal. I'm also making just as much effort to choose healthier options. Granted not much will beat cooking for yourself, but as I've just whined about we don't always have that option.

So I'll be squeezing in some bodyweight exercises today (and tomorrow; we all know I need it!), and hope that when I go to measure myself on Saturday that I'll have excellence to report. =)

Oh and….

I've lost 4 lbs* this month. ;)

<3
A Redhead

*Note: Yeah OK it's not much, but when you're trying to lift and not super pressed about dropping actual pounds, that's exciting. Whatever, let me have my little victory!!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

799




I didn't want to go to the gym today you guys. Not one bit. In fact, when walking out of my room this morning, I stared at my gym back for several seconds and finally resolved to bring it "just in case".

I've been sleepy today and feeling super lazy. The wedding is in less than a month (!!!!!) and house stuff has amped up to cray-cray level. I e-mailed 2 of my gym buddies today (one of whom is also getting married next year), and they both had work stuff to do.

"YESSS!!!!", I screamed in my head, "I DON'T HAVE TO GO NOW!!!". I confessed my lack of desire for gym time today, and naturally they responded exactly the opposite of how I wanted them to:

"Get your butt down there."
"You can do it! Just have a light day!"
"Less than one month… do it!"
"You'll hate us today, but thank us later!"

Jerks. Where's the support for laziness, eh? ;-) I made the mistake of saying something to my sassy Puerto Rican boss and she too chimed in that I need to just suck it up and go.

I happened to get this newsletter from NerdFitness in my mailbox not long before I left, and darn him but it motivated me enough to drag my pathetic self down there. How dare you motivate me to better myself, sir!!


In case you don't want to read it, it's basically about pushing yourself beyond your comfort levels. Is it super easy for you to squat 140? Try amping it up to 160 or 180 (please don't hurt yourself!). Is 10 push-ups not a thang anymore? Do 20. He talks about getting comfortable with where you are and needing to push past it to get better.

I realized I've been stagnating with a lot of my lifting and not pushing myself in the last few weeks… I've gotten comfortable, and I haven't seen any real results.
I haven't felt that wonderfully familiar burn from a good workout. 

Well, I'll tell you what, I went, and I totally rocked that nonsense. I earned 799 points on Fito and ended up doing 200 lbs on the v-squat machine. BOOM. I may have kept the same weight on a few exercises, but I at least did more reps. My body is sore, but darnit I'm pretty proud of me. =)

Giiiiiiiiiiiirl
I'm super glad I went to the gym even though I begged everyone to let me be lazy. I pushed through to a few new personal records, and I think I got my highest amount of points ever off Fito. Today my co-worker who's been in Poland for 3 weeks returned, saw me, and said something to the effect of "OH MY GOD YOU'VE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT!". She then proceeded to tell me she would be checking me out. =P Co-workers are noticing, which is always supreeeemely encouraging, and one of the ladies at lunch was telling me how proud I need to be of what I've accomplished in such a short time. =)

Be encouraged friends. GO TO THE GYM. 

<3
A Redhead

Monday, August 12, 2013

Phew!

Hi everyone!

I'm sorry there's been a lack of posting; the past week has been a whirlwind of the Sharknado variety. That's right, I just said that.

Anywho. I didn't go to the gym a single day last week. I know, right? I was bummed out, but I literally had an appointment or something I had to do for house stuff every darn day of last week. I figured if I wasn't going to the gym, I should at least try to keep my eating under control, which try I did! I was craving chocolate the other night, so I bought a dark chocolate truffle bar from Trader Joe's.

Mmmmm truffle-y…. 
Here's the thing about me and dark chocolate. I like it, it's good, but I don't love it, so it's really easy for me to eat a tiny amount and feel satisfied. I think a serving is 4 sections and 180 calories. Weellll I eat 1 section and it's 45 calories. Holla!! But it's so rich that I don't feel like I need or want anymore. It's a pretty good feeling. =)


So I was talking on the phone with my bestie at some point last week, and I confessed to her something I'm not proud to admit….

I was in the drive-thru for Taco Bell.



I know! I know!! It's grade-D "beef" (maybe), wilty lettuce, and frozen cheese.

I know.

But sometimes, the heart wants what the heart wants.

…Right?

OK well anyway. Back to my shame confession. So I got 2 of the shredded chicken tacos; I figured they were more real than most of the other items on the menu. Bestie's husband started judging me from the other side of the phone line and said I had to put it on the blog.

Here it is. Suck on that, Judgey McJudgerson! =) 

Back to the tacos. They weren't terrible, for Taco Bell. I did end up pulling off this massive wad of cheese that was on each of them, and peeling off ½ the tortilla since there was definitely a disproportionate amount of tortilla to filling. I googled the results, and each taco's apparently 160 calories. I may have saved 15 with ripping off cheese and tortilla? Meh, I don't know. I don't care. They were cheap, quick, easy, and bottom line not that bad. They definitely won't be making many, if any, reappearances in my life, but at the moment they worked just fine.

I'm back in the gym today, and happy to have my gym bag sitting next to me. I've missed going, which is super weird. But I think it's officially become a habit, which is super exciting! Last week felt weird and awkward and completely threw me off that I wasn't going at all. Back on the horse today!

How've you kids been doing?? Any new recipes? Any new workouts?

OH! I did do 30 push-ups on Saturday. And I kept walking up the stairs here at work (sometimes multiple times!), so I wasn't a total sloth all last week. =)

<3
A Redhead

P.S. - The dreaded kettle corn is finally gone. And no, I didn't lick the bag clean. I actually threw it away. Thank God for a tiny semblance of self-control!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Shame Eating


I found the above image on the interwebs and it always makes me laugh. All.the.time. It's kinda true though, right? IF you've ever had any kind of food addiction then you know the sweet sweet embrace of "one more" handful of kettle corn (ahem), or "one more" piece of bread, or whatever.

I was joking with my co-worker that I might as well be shame eating out of the Costco-sized bag of Kettle corn on my counter in the dark, licking the sweet and salty remnants off my fingers. That I can't be trusted alone with it. That I grab a bigger-than-small bowl and PILE it up, lamenting the few rogue pieces that make it to the floor.

Another colleague overheard us and said she used to do that with angel food cake. She would sit it on the passenger side and just drive, picking at the fluffy confection. I know a girl who could knock out an entire family size container of Sara Lee pound cake.

So friends, those are a few confessions. Using the powers of anonymity that you wield, share!! What is your food achilles heel? What is it that makes you lose all sense of self and eat until your stomach hurts?

Confession is good for the soul, and so is solidarity. I have no way of knowing who posted what, nor does anyone else (unless you tell us!), so what do you have to lose? Just because we have these 1 or 2 guilty pleasures doesn't mean they actually control us, or that we should indulge all the time. What makes you be a fat kid though? =P 

<3
A Redhead

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

This man is terrifying & inspiring



Seriously. Great pep talk. Slow clap for you, bro. =)

It just matters that I keep going. KETTLE CORN BE DARNED.

Of Kettle Corn & Yogging


I saw this on Fito the other day as someone's profile picture and I've basically been giggling about it since. I don't know if it's the tattered stuffed animals, the ironic poster of "I <3 Pain", or the fact that I'm fairly certain I make the same face when lifting sometimes.

I'm not proud to admit that my eating the last few days has been less than admirable. I am proud to admit though that 1) my body image continues to improve, 2) my water intake is higher, and 3) I've survived one whole day of the Couch to 5K program. To be fair, that ONE WHOLE DAY in all it's splendor was spread out over 2 days, but you know what? It's more than I would've run otherwise!!

I don't run. 

I don't yog*. 

My lovely friend Laurie suggested a podcast for a Couch to 5K program, and I surprisingly like it. Now mind you, my idea of running is getting away expeditiously from someone chasing me. It's not fun, it's not on my priority list, heck- it's not even on my goals list. But this podcast is kind of exciting since it plays fun and relevant music, plus a lady comes on and says "Ok time to run for 60 seconds", or she's a sweet angel saying "time to walk for 90 seconds". I clearly have a favorite out of the 2 voice prompts. Anywho, I just downloaded it to my phone and take it with me, then grunt along for a little bit. I haven't done a full course of it in 1 day, primarily because I'm splitting cardio with lifting.

Super embarrassing: I think I dropped awesomesauce all over my shoulders. Ugh, right? =P I'm kidding. I'm sorry. I don't mean to humblebrag. I usually want to smack those people in the face, but darnit this is my accountability blog and part of that is being excited about the progress! I'm seeing a serious change in my shoulders/upper arms, which is really awesome. I'm going to get my eating back to a reasonable state**, so that on top of my occasional yogging + regular weightlifting should equal some serious results.

I did buy a whole chicken (and by "I did buy…" I mean "I got a FREE whole chicken with a coupon"! Hollaaa!) and promptly shredded it so I could use it in different recipes. The only downer is I haven't been home yet to do anything with it. Tomorrow night though, I'm going to recipe the crap outta that chicken.

I have no idea what that means yet, but I'm making something darnit! Not sure what yet. Maybe something Mexican inspired with avocado and rice? Who knows. The world is my oyster! Or something.

I've never understood that expression.
Oysters are slimy and gross.

<3
A Redhead

*Note: See here for the "yog" reference. 
**Note pt. 2: Which means my staple food in a day won't be kettle corn from Costco. DARN YOU COSTCO! 

Thursday, July 25, 2013

What's good, home skillet?

This journey started on/around May 1st, and here we are almost 3 months later and you know what?

The results.

We see them. 

I measured myself yesterday as I normally do my measuring somewhere between the 23rd and 25th of the month. My results were a little less than they've been in previous months, but darnit I still lost 3.5 inches!

Math time. You know how much I hate math. But according to this post, and the fact that I just mentioned my 3.5" gone, that means I've lost 14 inches!!

14 inches! In just under 3 months!! AAAHHHHH!!!!!






So good. So, so good.

Working out has officially become a habit, which is something I never thought I'd say or would be excited about. I feel gross if I don't go every other day, though weekends tend to not count. I may be trying my first crossfit class with the Bearded Wonder this Saturday. It's a free class offered at one of the studios in the area, and given how much I love saving money, why not go with it?

I do feel like I've hit a bit of a rut with my workout. I still love NROLFW, but it's tough with some of the workouts since we just don't have the equipment at my work's gym. Don't get me wrong, we have a great gym. But substituting some of the workouts with other forms of equipment and without the help of a professional scares me a little. I really don't want to hurt myself. =\ Sooo I've been trying out a few other things I've learned about and am using NROLFW as a guideline now.

I've been debating on hiring a trainer here for a session or 2 as they're cheaper than at normal gyms, but money is still tight which is why I'm having a hard time sucking it up and doing it. It may be good though, to get some guidance on some of my workouts. You don't want to spend a ton of time in the gym and 1) hurt yourself, or 2) waste your time. It IS possible to spend an hour in the gym and not accomplish a lot.

So anywho. I lost 3 lbs last month which was also exciting. I had my first wedding dress fitting the other night, and let me tell you- there's nothing that scares you into eating better than a wedding dress fitting. I'm planning on doing some grocery shopping this weekend to get some stuff to bring for lunch. As of now I'm at the mercy of the servery here (which is fantastic), but I'd love to save my pennies and know exactly what I'm eating. A treat here and there is fine, but ultimately I'd like to bring my lunch either every day or 4 out of 5 days of the week. I'll let you all know how it goes. =)

Want to see a silly but results-showing picture of me? Also, I'm not good at taking pictures of myself without looking like a goober. As in I can't take myself seriously. As in I make ridiculous faces. Whatever! This is an update, yo! I do what I want!

I've become one of those "bathroom selfie" girls. And at work no less! The shame!! 
Really it's just to show how my front has slimmed down, which is wonderful for me. I still have the dreaded "front butt", which all my fellow Fat Kids know about and you skinny folk will never understand, buuut it's shrinking! 

Thanks Wayne! 
How've you all been?! What's the hizzap?! What's the heezy?!
I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Stop judging me. 

<3
A Redhead