Skip to main content

IU-I-can't-stop-crying

As you may have read, we have been having a hard time conceiving for 3 years now. We finally decided to move forward with doing IUI in June. A couple weeks of monitoring via bloodwork & ultrasounds, a mock IUI where they do the procedure with saline, some extra hormones, a trigger shot in my butt, and we got our date for the procedure: July 1.

We kept the news close to our chests; a few friends knew it was happening, our pastor so he and his wife could pray with us, and while our parents knew we had started the monitoring, they didn't know when the procedure was going to be. Of course I clung to the absurdity that my pregnancy still needs to be a surprise 3 years in to trying.

The actual procedure went beautifully. In fact, as I was splayed out on this table with my feet in stirrups while a really nice doctor inserted a catheter into my uterus, I heard a familiar tune over the PA.

Do you know what it was?

"2 Become 1" by the Spice Girls.

"I need some love like I've never needed love before..."

I busted out laughing because it seemed so absurd. My husband over my shoulder holding my hand, this nice doctor in my foreign territory, a nurse in the corner, and the Spice Girls crooning about an intimate encounter. It was too much. As I was laughing, I pointed out the hilarity of the situation and the Bearded Wonder and I both giggled. The nurse and doctor smiled along pleasantly but clearly didn't appreciate the irony like we did.

I took it as a good sign that this was going to work. I know it's silly, but there's something about Spice Girls and I having a weirdly impactful moment while I underwent this scary and exciting process that made me feel like this was going to be it.

The procedure was over in less than 10 minutes, thankfully. I was instructed to lay on the table for 10-15 minutes and just let nature do it's thing, so the Bearded Wonder and I talked about what this could mean. Dreamed about telling our parents and our friends the good news. I kept a slightly cynical approach because it's what I do. Pro-tip: If you set the bar low, then you can't be terribly disappointed when something doesn't work.

The next 2 weeks were understandably nerve-wracking. I was on extra hormones to help it "stick", so my insomnia wrought havoc on my body. I cried at literally everything. The Bearded Wonder was being silly and would pat my stomach sometimes and say things like "Hi Little One- that was your first taco!". I laughed him off because it was so goofy, but I was also really appreciative that he was so hopeful when I just couldn't be. I've seen too many negative pregnancy tests to be too hopeful.

We had our follow-up bloodwork to see if it worked at 7:45am on Wednesday, July 15th. I had a full panic attack the night before thinking about this. I was hopeful but still didn't trust it. Hopeful but still not believing it would happen based on past experience. In the morning I woke up at 6am feeling peaceful and ready to face the day.

Bloodwork went smoothly. The nurse was kind as always. She said she was crossing her fingers for us. The next 4 hours I was still an anxious mess. My chest hurt, my stomach was in knots. I choked down a bagel just for something to be in my stomach.

The call came at noon. The nurse was kind but apologetic as she said "I'm sorry to say I'm not calling with good news."

"Damn," I said softly. The Bearded Wonder held on to me tightly as tears started to pool.

"Damn." The first word to come to my mind.

She let us know what our options are moving forward, and in less than 90 seconds my heart shattered into a thousand tiny pieces. In retrospect I was more hopeful than I let myself believe: I had thought about how to tell this person or that one, allowed myself to look on Pinterest occasionally at baby stuff, imagined the Bearded Wonder holding our tiny baby in his manly man arms... I hoped. I really did.

I know that we're meant to be parents, whether through medical intervention or adoption. It will happen for us, and probably sooner than I feel like it will. We've already decided to move forward with a second round of IUI, but for now we're just grieving what isn't.

xo
A Redhead

Comments

  1. I'm sorry that this journey has been so long and painful.


    In the wise words of the Spice Girls,

    "Free your mind of doubt and danger
    Be for real don't be a stranger
    We can achieve it, we can achieve it"

    Who knows what the hell that means, but we'll be continually praying for you.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thinking of you and earnestly hoping for you guys more than you know♥️♥️♥️

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thinking of you and earnestly hoping for you guys more than you know♥️♥️♥️

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shame Eating

I found the above image on the interwebs and it always makes me laugh. All.the.time. It's kinda true though, right? IF you've ever had any kind of food addiction then you know the sweet sweet embrace of "one more" handful of kettle corn (ahem), or "one more" piece of bread, or whatever.

I was joking with my co-worker that I might as well be shame eating out of the Costco-sized bag of Kettle corn on my counter in the dark, licking the sweet and salty remnants off my fingers. That I can't be trusted alone with it. That I grab a bigger-than-small bowl and PILE it up, lamenting the few rogue pieces that make it to the floor.

Another colleague overheard us and said she used to do that with angel food cake. She would sit it on the passenger side and just drive, picking at the fluffy confection. I know a girl who could knock out an entire family size container of Sara Lee pound cake.

So friends, those are a few confessions. Using the powers of anonymity that y…

Frustrations & Fertility

The Bearded Wonder and I got married on a sunny Saturday afternoon in September 2013. Barring a few minor hiccups, the day was pretty perfect. Per the (unfortunate) societal norms, people started asking questions like "So, next comes baby, right?" or "When are you guys going to start popping out kids?". 
Between me, you, and the Internet, I was a virgin when I got married so I was in ZERO rush to start having kids. I wanted to enjoy being married for awhile, hopefully travel, and just settle in to living with this person I'd never lived with before. 
It's funny to me now, looking back on those first few years. The Bearded Wonder had some job transitions which led to some tight finances. We got by (not without help), but I was in a constant state of fear that I'd get pregnant. We were just floating with the 2 of us, but adding a baby in the mix? Yikes. Definitely not the right time. I remember calling my best friend in a panic, "I'm craving hot…

Hormonies and the Flurry of Shame

Menfolk, feel free to skip this post. It's about to be way TMI up in here. 
Also, if you work with me feel free to skip this. 
With the pending nuptials coming up in just under 2 months (!!!), I've started taking birth control. I'll spare you the details, but suffice to say this is my first go-round with them. While the Bearded Wonder and I love children, we want to enjoy being married for a few years first. Do some traveling, get a dog, you know, the uze'.

So. The birth control regimen started on Monday night, and by Tuesday night I was a raging hot mess. Everyone says, "side effects may include mood changes, in/de-crease of appetite, etc.".

Ha.
What they fail to mention is the seething rage that makes you want to rip the faces off of those you love. Not because they've done anything other than happen to be in your general vicinity. What they also don't mention is that you'll burst into tears at the drop of a hat, or at the site of your extremely …