Skip to main content

Bittersweet

This post was initially written on March 29, 2021. 

Going through infertility of any kind is so unbearably hard. I can't speak to everyone's experience, but as a couple who's had "unexplained infertility", it feels like perpetual waves of grief. 

It feels like hopelessness.
It feels like everyone's getting what you so desperately want while you sit there with empty arms.
It feels like constant heartbreak seeing joyful posts of new pregnancies.
It feels like isolation because you turn down invitations to showers and parties, for fear you won't be able to not cry. 
It feels like you're being punished because biologically nothing is wrong but you still don't have a baby.

This has been our reality for the last 3 years and 7 months. Being open about our journey has been so rewarding but now it's taken the hard turn. I have to tell the sweet women I've been commiserating with that my turn is here. I'm pregnant. 

Of course I know exactly what they'll be feeling when they hear, as I've had the same reactions to dozens of people over the years. "Oh I'm so happy for you! .... and so crushed for me. When will it be my turn?"  The thought of causing anyone additional pain from our announcement breaks my heart. It's a bittersweet moment, where you're so excited to share with everyone but you know it's going to make at least 1 person cry (and not in a celebratory way). 

I get it. I've cried those same tears many, many times. 

I wish I could say anything less trite, but here it is. I'm sorry. I see you. I know Mother's Day will be hard again this year. I wish I could wrap you in a big hug and tell you when your time is coming. I'll still be happy to cry and rage with you until you get your big moment, but I also understand if you need to distance yourself from me a little. I get it. It's ok.

The first night of my infertility support group we were talking about coping mechanisms for dealing with the constant pain. One of the women said something to the affect of "I remind myself that I'm still a whole, complete woman even without a baby." I've clung to that- I still have a good life and a wonderful husband, and our life isn't less without a baby. I hope that brings you some hope too, friend. 

xo
A Redhead

Labels:

Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 27, 2022 at 8:46 PM

    “‘I remind myself that I'm still a whole, complete woman even without a baby.’ I've clung to that- I still have a good life and a wonderful husband, and our life isn't less without a baby.”

    I’m going to need to read that over a million times for it to sink in. Definitely needed to hear that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousMarch 10, 2023 at 7:26 PM

    Oh Ashley, I am so SO SORRY for my inquiries years ago. I had no idea of the pain it must have caused you. I have so wanted for the two of you to make a baby, it never occurred to me , the struggle and pain you were living with.

    I am SO SO happy that your wishes and prayers have come to fruition !
    I have truly enjoyed following your journey, pregnancy and new parenthood.
    What wonderful parents you are.

    Much love,
    Melissa the swing dancing aesthetician

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shame Eating

I found the above image on the interwebs and it always makes me laugh. All.the.time. It's kinda true though, right? IF you've ever had any kind of food addiction then you know the sweet sweet embrace of "one more" handful of kettle corn (ahem), or "one more" piece of bread, or whatever . I was joking with my co-worker that I might as well be shame eating out of the Costco-sized bag of Kettle corn on my counter in the dark, licking the sweet and salty remnants off my fingers. That I can't be trusted alone with it. That I grab a bigger-than-small bowl and PILE it up, lamenting the few rogue pieces that make it to the floor. Another colleague overheard us and said she used to do that with angel food cake. She would sit it on the passenger side and just drive, picking at the fluffy confection. I know a girl who could knock out an entire family size container of Sara Lee pound cake. So friends, those are a few confessions. Using the powers of anonym
26 comments
Read more

Not really proud...

(Redhead's Note: Please forgive anything that's more lame than normal, or anything that sounds weird; I'm on a constant regimen of cough syrup...) I started getting a chest tickle on the 8th, which quickly escalated to a hacking cough, and now 6 days later has my left nostril clogged. I'm sick. Lame sauce, I know. When I'm sick I'm kind of a pathetic being: I get whiny, I'm tired all the time, I'm fairly selfish ("Your car died?? But... But...  I'm sick ....") * - it's not a pretty sight. What else tends to happen is I will eat a lot. I'm not one of those people that gets sick and doesn't eat for 3 days. Oh if only! Nope, I'm that girl that gets sick and will find every last semblance of comfort food, and vacuum it up into my sick mouth hole. Handful of chocolate chips? Don't mind if I do. A small-ish spoon of Nutella? Yes please? 4 lbs of bread? Why don't mind if I do! Thankfully the only real example f
2 comments
Read more

He Likes Big Butts and He Cannot Lie!

Do I have any fellow big booty girls in the audience? Or I suppose big booty brothers? Maybe? Anywho. I've had a rather prodigious posterior for my entire life. I think part of it is that I've always been a fat kid, and part of it is probably genetics. Even when I lost weight in high school, it was still pretty hefty. In fact, I recall walking with a friend of mine and hearing 2 guys behind us talking. "Look at that fat a**", his friend said "where" and the other guy said "the one on the right". I was, of course, the girl on the right. It's a moment that's resonated within me for a long time. That happened in probably 2003 while I was a young 16 year old, and 10 years later it's still a moment that occasionally wraps me up in it's insecure and hateful arms. It didn't help that a year or so later I was in a parking lot with friends, feeling cute in a spaghetti string tank top and jeans, and a complete stranger  drove by
5 comments
Read more