Skip to main content

Bittersweet

This post was initially written on March 29, 2021. 

Going through infertility of any kind is so unbearably hard. I can't speak to everyone's experience, but as a couple who's had "unexplained infertility", it feels like perpetual waves of grief. 

It feels like hopelessness.
It feels like everyone's getting what you so desperately want while you sit there with empty arms.
It feels like constant heartbreak seeing joyful posts of new pregnancies.
It feels like isolation because you turn down invitations to showers and parties, for fear you won't be able to not cry. 
It feels like you're being punished because biologically nothing is wrong but you still don't have a baby.

This has been our reality for the last 3 years and 7 months. Being open about our journey has been so rewarding but now it's taken the hard turn. I have to tell the sweet women I've been commiserating with that my turn is here. I'm pregnant. 

Of course I know exactly what they'll be feeling when they hear, as I've had the same reactions to dozens of people over the years. "Oh I'm so happy for you! .... and so crushed for me. When will it be my turn?"  The thought of causing anyone additional pain from our announcement breaks my heart. It's a bittersweet moment, where you're so excited to share with everyone but you know it's going to make at least 1 person cry (and not in a celebratory way). 

I get it. I've cried those same tears many, many times. 

I wish I could say anything less trite, but here it is. I'm sorry. I see you. I know Mother's Day will be hard again this year. I wish I could wrap you in a big hug and tell you when your time is coming. I'll still be happy to cry and rage with you until you get your big moment, but I also understand if you need to distance yourself from me a little. I get it. It's ok.

The first night of my infertility support group we were talking about coping mechanisms for dealing with the constant pain. One of the women said something to the affect of "I remind myself that I'm still a whole, complete woman even without a baby." I've clung to that- I still have a good life and a wonderful husband, and our life isn't less without a baby. I hope that brings you some hope too, friend. 

xo
A Redhead

Labels:

Comments

  1. AnonymousApril 27, 2022 at 8:46 PM

    “‘I remind myself that I'm still a whole, complete woman even without a baby.’ I've clung to that- I still have a good life and a wonderful husband, and our life isn't less without a baby.”

    I’m going to need to read that over a million times for it to sink in. Definitely needed to hear that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousMarch 10, 2023 at 7:26 PM

    Oh Ashley, I am so SO SORRY for my inquiries years ago. I had no idea of the pain it must have caused you. I have so wanted for the two of you to make a baby, it never occurred to me , the struggle and pain you were living with.

    I am SO SO happy that your wishes and prayers have come to fruition !
    I have truly enjoyed following your journey, pregnancy and new parenthood.
    What wonderful parents you are.

    Much love,
    Melissa the swing dancing aesthetician

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Shame Eating

I found the above image on the interwebs and it always makes me laugh. All.the.time. It's kinda true though, right? IF you've ever had any kind of food addiction then you know the sweet sweet embrace of "one more" handful of kettle corn (ahem), or "one more" piece of bread, or whatever . I was joking with my co-worker that I might as well be shame eating out of the Costco-sized bag of Kettle corn on my counter in the dark, licking the sweet and salty remnants off my fingers. That I can't be trusted alone with it. That I grab a bigger-than-small bowl and PILE it up, lamenting the few rogue pieces that make it to the floor. Another colleague overheard us and said she used to do that with angel food cake. She would sit it on the passenger side and just drive, picking at the fluffy confection. I know a girl who could knock out an entire family size container of Sara Lee pound cake. So friends, those are a few confessions. Using the powers of anonym
26 comments
Read more

Of pizza and fudge [cake]

There comes a time in every girl's life when she has to make a choice. 1 slice or 2? "It's margherita pizza, redhead. How bad can it really be?" I stood in line at a local pizza place eyeing up their margherita pizza with it's circular discs of cheese, smattering of tomatoes, and dried basil leaves. "Yeah, how bad can  it be?" Sometimes in life you order 2 pieces. Sometimes those 2 pieces come out to you falling off of 2 paper plates. Sometimes you look and say "SWEET MERCY I'M ONLY EATING ONE OF THOSE!!". Today was not a day to only eat one of those. Well to be fair, it was, I just didn't bother to acknowledge that until I'd plowed my way through ½ of my second  slice. I can sit here and rationalize that I dabbed up a TON of oil, and it's thin crust, and blah blah blah, but bottom line… There was also chocolate fudge cake .  I know, right? I looked at the cake I'd said I'd split with my wonderful
11 comments
Read more

What's Your Excuse?

I can't find my sneakers. It's too hot out. My clothes are all dirty. Where's my gym bag? I can't find my sports bra. (grumble grumble grumble) So what's your excuse for not working out? The top [lame] excuse has been mine the last few weeks. Since we moved into our house, I literally cannot find my sneakers. I thought they were in my gym bag, which I also couldn't find, but once my husband (hehe) found the bag, I discovered there were still no  gym sneakers. I've been living a blissful yet slightly fearful state for the last month-ish because I haven't weighed or measured myself since before the wedding. I also haven't worked out since before the wedding. You understand my fear now, right? That's right, I resort to candy too. But the time is nigh. Last night Hubbins and I went to a running store and we each got fitted for fancy new sneakers. The girls were both super helpful: they had us stand on this fancy lit
8 comments
Read more